SNL with Host: Mark Cuban?

 

Two days ago, the Dallas Mavericks held their first practice in their brand new $70 million facility.  Which is currently in disguise as “Community Brewery” right across I-35 from the AAC.  For the record, Dirk Nowitzki said he has never tried any of their products and Mark Cuban stated they have no deal with Community Brewery for naming rights.

 

What Cuban actually said after practice was what caught our attention. He was asked about politics, well, mostly just about Trump; specifically how Trump has been portrayed on Saturday Night Live. Cuban responded by saying he has been watching and that “[Alec Baldwin] is a better Trump than Trump.”[note]With pouty-duck-face-lips I’d have to agree[/note]

 

Then I asked Cuban[note]That feels really great to say, it’s like we’re friends, ok…we are friends[/note] if he had ever been asked to host SNL. He said, “No, I’ve never been asked. But I would do it, it would scare the [crap][note]He didn’t say crap[/note] out of me but I would love to do it.”

 

Which got me thinking, what would SNL Hosted by Mark Cuban look like…

 

 

Cold Open:

 

Open on the third debate, because I think it’s required to start SNL with a debate sketch. Kate McKinnon as Hillary Clinton, Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump, someone else as whoever the moderator was, and Mark Cuban as himself.

 

It starts as a normal debate until either candidate starts talking and then Cuban heckles from the front row. The moderator, candidates, and Cuban interact as if this was a sporting event and hilarity ensues.[note]First one and I already mailed it in…[/note]

 

 

Monologue:

 

Announcer[note]RIP Don Pardo[/note]: “Ladies and Gentleman, Mark Cuban!”

 

Mark Cuban welcomes everyone, sort of gets excited about the musical guest, and explains who he is but adds, “Most of you know me as…”

Shark Tank Announcer Voice: “Renowned Billionaire Tech Mogul and Outspoken Own of the Dallas Mavericks” 

 

Cuban continues, “You may have also seen me exercise that outspoken part against Donald J. Trump.”

 

*waits for boos*

 

“There’s so much that I want to say about Trump but mostly I want to say that, knowing that Trump has also hosted SNL, I can safely say I am the richest person to ever host SNL. He can argue, just release those tax returns and then we can talk.”

 

Cuban goes on to try and explain how much money he has and tries to convince the audience that money doesn’t solve everything, while also being approached by cast members and solving their problems by paying them off or giving them cash.

 

 

First Sketch: I Am Not Iron Man

 

Open on a press conference room, reporters waiting for someone to step up on the podium. Finally, Mark Cuban walks into the room. Reporters start asking questions insinuating that Mark Cuban is Iron Man, Cuban denies.

 

Other superheroes in disguise (bad disguises) ask questions as reporters trying to draw attention away from themselves.

 

Robert Downey Jr, as a reporter, starts asking questions. They both end up trying to convince each other that they are Iron Man.  Leslie Jones in Batman suit sitting in the back interjects and yells, “I am Batman!”

 

Everything stops. RDJ and Cuban stare at her. All the superheroes reveal themselves and everyone argues while “using their powers.”

 

 

Second Sketch: Shark Tank Pitches[note]This one is easy, they already have the set for it and everything[/note]

 

Open on Shark Tank set, 5 cast members are impersonating “The Sharks.”

 

Kate Mckinnon as Barbara Corcoran

Kenan Thompson as Daymond John

Vanessa Bayer as Lori Greiner

Kyle Mooney as Robert Herjavec

Beck Bennet as Kevin O’Leary

 

Several other cast members enter and pitch the worst ideas imaginable. Mark Cuban comes in last and is the worst of them all.

 

 

Third Sketch: The $10 Million Trump Interview

 

Open on Weekend Update table[note]Weekend Update Teaser, has this been done before?[/note]. Collin Jost shares the story of Mark Cuban offering Donald Trump $10 million to do a one-on-one interview. Then explains that this interview actually happened and they have obtained footage from it.

 

Cuban and Trump (Alec Baldwin) engage in a Colbert-Report-Style interview[note]Except Trump is the character and Cuban plays the “straight man”[/note] where Trump does Trump things. Trump frequently asks for his $10 million, and at one point Cuban breaks the fourth wall and says, “Somehow he makes more sense than the real one.”

 

 

 

Fourth Sketch: NBA Courtside

 

Open on courtside seats at an NBA game. Mark Cuban is sitting there surrounded on either side by other cast members. Each of them has a weird annoying quality that upsets Cuban and he asks for them one-by-one to be removed. As they get removed they move over one seat so by the end of the sketch the only one remaining is Kate McKinnon who has been very normal this whole time. When it is just the two of them she unleashes an insane character we haven’t seen before[note]We’re counting on you Kate[/note] and Mark Cuban hangs his head.

 

 

 

Fifth Sketch: Shark Tank Update

 

Open on the Shark Tank update Graphic:

 

Mark Cuban and a TV crew go to go check up on a deal he made in a past Shark Tank season. It’s Booby Moynihan and he’s very successful. His business is some cleaning product and Bobby shows Cuban and the crew all around his office space. Cuban can’t believe how successful he is and keeps saying he wonders how Booby is moving all of this product so fast.

 

Then Cuban tries to enter Bobby’s warehouse but he blocks the door. The door is open and the warehouse room is visible to the audience but not to Cuban. It’s obviously a meth lab. The workers are frantically trying to remove evidence while Bobby tries to explain, badly, how he has been so successful.

 

The sketch ends with the crew bringing out a giant check to pay back Cuban.

 

 

 

Weekend Update

 

Collin Jost and Michael Che do the news.[note]Sorry, I can’t predict the future[/note] At some point Jost is reading a story that requires “SNL’s resident rich person…” Donald Trump (Alec Baldwin) tries to walk out before a cast member portraying a manager pulls him back. Then Jost finishes with “Resident rich person, Mark Cuban.”

 

 

 

Musical Guest: JD & The Straight Shot

That’s James Dolan’s (Owner of the Knicks) Band.[note]Yes, that is a real thing[/note]  Just kidding, it should probably be Kelly Clarkson because she’s was born in Ft. Worth, but no one really cares about the musical guest…

 

 

 

Final Sketch: Billionaire’s Club

 

A Lonely Island style song that “exposes” how Billionaires have a club that determines how everything happens with an Illuminati/god-like quality.

 

Then, of course, the show ends with the shot of the entire cast on stage and Mark Cuban thanks everyone for watching. The camera pulls out and shows the whole stage and everyone is hugging and mingling and asking where they’re going to go out afterward.

 

If you have better ideas[note]And I’m sure you do[/note] tweet us @theMavsFanatic