Mark Cuban Shark Tank Free Agency Survival Kit

 

 

We’re going to be straight with you. We have no idea what’s about to happen.  The NBA’s Salary Cap (Yeah, it’s a proper noun now) is about to hit Trump-Level-Stupid heights.  Experts like Larry Coon, author of the invaluable Salary Cap FAQ, estimate that the Cap will land at around $94,000,000.00 (written in full form for emphasis).  Last year, experts estimated the cap to be $68 million but at the final moment it exceeded everyone’s expectations by $2 million.  That doesn’t sound like much in the aggregate but keep in mind that David Lee was signed for $2 million last year. 

 

So all of the Free Agent pitches and projected rosters and additions and meetings are all under the idea of what the Cap could become.  Whatever number it lands on “is gonna be huge.”

 

What we do know is that this summer is going to be insane.  Starting with the fact that one team is expected to offer a 31-year old big man with major injury history a four year deal for $18,000,000.00 per year… It has also been reported that the Mavericks are set to have meetings and a real legit chance to sign both Mike Conley and Hassan Whiteside. After that, who knows?  How do we prepare for the insanity and inevitability of the craziest money-est summer yet? Our very own hometown owner has assembled a very particular set of skills… companies and products to help us cope with…well…whatever happens.  

 

I present to you the Free Agency Cap Space Survival Kit, provided by some of the products that Mark Cuban has invested in through Shark Tank. 

 

Ever been caught walking behind a guy/girl holding a giant boombox blasting something extra angsty and just wish it was filled with Orange Wine instead?

 

BeatBox Beverages

 

…knows that feeling, and as of their pitch to Shark Tank they box it right here in DFW.  Start off this moratorium with a drink…out of a box… It gets better than this, we swear. 

 

Don’t overdo it though, as much as Free Agency may compel you to. It can’t get worse than last summer right…? Right?!? 

 

Monitor your adult beverage intake and BOC with…

Breathometer

 

You know, just in case well… ????✈ 

 

This summer can’t be all drink-to-forget-bad though, we guarantee something good will happen at some point to our favorite team.  Hopefully it includes some Max Contracts, and when everyone jumps back on the Mav-Wagon all the female fans, wives, girlfriends, moms, sisters, grandmas and any combination of the sort will want to look good. Enter…

 

Gameday Couture

 

…Mavs gear for all the Lady-MFFLs. Of course, there are going to be some skeptics that come with any deal (verbal or…ugh…) and they’ll need some coaxing.  Glide on down to the AAC for a game this season with your…

 

Sway Motor Sports Tilting Electric Trike

 

Grab some gear from The Hangar and engulf it in the confines of some of the finest gif presenting material there is….

 

CoolWraps

 

Homemade gifts can be a great idea as well so take your own… 

 

Roominate 

 

…construction set. Hone your problem solving and critical thinking skills by assembling your own AAC model and play with your little Dirk action figure…wait…is it an action figure if he never changes position?

 

Timeout: This is actually pretty awesome and I retroactively wish I had one as a kid, for educational purposes.

 

There are however, several potential-future-Mavs that could bring a spark back to this team.  MFFLs will jolt awake from their offseason insulated discharge and transform into a current of high voltage conductors. So….in case it gets too electric out there make sure you bring along…

 

Melni Submersible & Direct Burial Splice Connectors

 

…ok… that one wasn’t the brightest idea. Ok, this idea is terminated… No really, don’t be shocked… Ok…pun gun powering down… 

 

While we’re still wired into free agency (We lied about being done), no signing-day celebration would be complete without a set of these bad boys: 

 

Professional Gloving…performer…person.. or just a few tactful jazz hands become so much more enlightening with…

 

Emazing Lights Gloves

 

Then take your Gloving equivalent to light up sneakers and visit a personal favorite, Cincinnati’s…

 

Tom & Chee

 

…for a grilled cheese donut.

 

Timeout: Being from Cincinnati I’ve actually eaten several of these because I didn’t believe it the first time I ate one.  While it tastes significantly better than it sounds, you feel significantly worse than you’d imagine after eating it.  But is the 3 minutes of chowing down three of life’s greatest edible objects (Donuts, Cheese, and Butter) worth it…. yes it is. yes. it. is.

 

After all the meetings and the reports, the fake Woj and Stein accounts that will be retweeted (beware the fake accounts: Respect the tech, check the check) all the dust will settle and rosters will start to take form.  When will this all end? Who knows? Lebron made everyone wait a week before he decided to take his talents back to The Land.  Hopefully it’s less time than that, but in the meantime…you’ll just be settling in to check your twitter feed, scrolling and pushing out all the fakes, removing negativity and crap that clogs your feed.  And then when you’re all finished, take a swipe with a… 

 

Dude Wipe.